The highs aren’t as high, but the lows are so, so low.

It’s hell, living here in my head.

White doesn’t even get me high any more. It’s like this eternal “oh just one more hit will get me there”, chasing this unreachable high that never comes, like tomorrow. It’s tormenting me.

My nose is totally fucked. I can see all the way up it and it doesn’t feel like nose any more. It feels too soft and squishy on the inside, and yet strangely dry. Mercifully on the outside it looks relatively normal, there is dry blood around the nostrils and they are subtly deformed in shape under certain lights. But I know it won’t be long until it gets really mashed up.

People ask me, “Why are you doing this? Do you even want to stop?!”

Oh boy. Would I love to stop. I would do anything to stop. There are moments in my addiction where would practically sign off my first born child if only it meant that I could be free of this horrendous illness. (And yes, it is an illness).

I want to stop so much, but it’s so hard. It’s almost too hard. When the world caves in, and my mood swings kick off the one thing that is a constant is drugs. It’s terribly sad to say this, but sometimes it feels like they’re my only friend in the world. They take away the pain like nothing else. They give me ecstasy in a world full of agony.

And I know how bad they are. I know that they’re slowly killing me, my relationships, my future and my academic career. But the fact that, despite knowing all of this, I still continue to do this to myself, exposes how potent the grip of addiction can truly be.

I have every faith I can get clean one day. One day very soon. I want to quit by choice, not circumstance. And I’m so nearly ready, but like every addict, I’m looking for that one last time.

And like tomorrow, it’s never going to come.

What is addiction really like?

People don’t see what goes on behind closed doors. The really scary thing about addiction, that still frightens me to this very day, is how it’s actually not scary at all. I was taking it in my room, in my flat in Spain on my gap year. I had a cuddly toy on my bed, pink sandals by my door and cocaine on my desk. It was bizarre, and went against everything I had ever been taught about drug culture.

It wasn’t like anything I had seen in films, it was just me, in my cosy little room. During my binges, I would snort a thick line of the powder on my own, then clean the flat, or call a friend, or go to the supermarket. It felt safe, and made me feel beautiful, inside and out.

I never mixed alcohol with cocaine. Despite the fact that I was taking class A drugs, I tried to remain relatively cautious, a concept which was later drilled into me in therapy: if you can’t be good, be careful. 

But you never see the reality of active addiction.

Addiction is disgusting and degrading, and people call it “using” but in reality its getting a dirty straw from McDonald’s, cutting it in half with scissors you used to cut your fingernails, leaving the house carrying drugs in a baggie that probably smells like weed and wandering aimlessly around town waiting for the previous hit to wear off so you can have another one.

Addiction is going to the Pret-à-manger customer toilets, getting the drugs out from your jacket pocket, getting two filthy cards out, one of which is your student ID, the other a SIM card voucher, mushing up the drugs on the toilet seat and inhaling them to the back of your throat through your nose as quietly as possible. It’s routine and you do it quickly, but you’re paranoid as ever.

Addiction is then running your finger over the toilet lid and rubbing it into your gums so they go numb and you feel like you can function for a little while, until you have to find another café or Starbucks toilet and do it again, with trembling fingers, shaking from a combination of relief and desperation.

Addiction is knowing how disgusting the harsh reality of taking drugs, and still going out of your way to chase the feeling of initial ecstasy that evolves into simply feeling like yourself for a short while.

And to turn your back on it, on this grubby little substance that no one else on this earth seems to understand the way you do, to turn your back on not just the lifestyle, but the habit, the ritual of cutting a white powdered line, the cutting and crushing of the powdered rocks, the blissful taste, the ecstasy, the euphoria, the feeling like everything in your life is so fucking OKAY, will forever be to this day one of the saddest, and yet most badass, cool things I will ever have to do.

One day I am going to kick this in the balls. Stay with me while I do, internet.

Praying,

H

Can you overdose on cocaine?

02:12

My chest hurts. My chest beats and with each pulse there is a surge of pain. As I write this there are pains down my left arm and my legs are tingling.

I am powerless over my addiction. I wish I was powerless over my recovery. I wish I couldn’t help but get better. I wish instead of walking for miles in the rain, spending stupid amounts of my savings on crap, I walked for miles in the rain to get to a meeting.

I wish I had never done that first line when I was a teenager. Sanity and insanity are separated by a small white line, and that line is the best and worst thing that could ever happen to you.

But that’s the thing; drugs didn’t ever happen to me. I went and found them all by myself. And they found me in return and turned against me.

My chest has stopped hurting, but I feel dizzy and lightheaded. Possibly because I haven’t eaten properly in days.

I need a sponsor in NA. How do you get one?

The one thing running through my mind right now is simply to have another line. In the last 4 hours I’ve done 6 long, fat lines, and I can’t stop. I wish I could stop by choice not by circumstance.

 

 

What about both?

Ok, so I have goals and dreams and all of that jazz.

I see my friends with youtube channels, I see my friends with online stores, and maybe I could be the friend with both.

Thoughts?

I have an online blog- and 13 wonderful followers (Hi guys, I literally love you all) and that is enough for me right now. I don’t want to be like the hilariously disastrous (and yet simultaneously successful) Trisha Paytas. She has her attributes, but I get the feeling she does it for ultimate stardom to fund a luxury lifestyle.

So, what is my why?

My why is a little complicated because there isn’t actually a specific reason. I love the idea of being ‘known’ but I am not too keen on being so famous, that you can’t pop down to New Look to buy underwear without being hounded by the press. Not that I will ever get to that stage…

I also love making videos, and making original content. I keep a diary religiously, and go a bit nuts if I can’t write.

So, my lovely followers, I have decided to make a new video every day for the next month, and see where it takes me. It is a tall order, and if it is a disaster then they will ‘mysteriously vanish’, and while this is going on, behind the scenes, I will be setting up my online store.

So, yeah. Keep hustling, I suppose…

Read this, and never settle for less.

Seriously.

It can be scary thinking about the future, and what you want. It’s terrifying, believe me, I know. 

Along your journey you might see escape routes, alternatives, easy callings for things you could settle for. But reader, don’t stop and settle for something that you know you could deal with and like, but never truly love.

If you want that Range Rover, keep grinding until you get it. Don’t settle for a mini if a Range Rover is what you want. You deserve to give yourself the life you are dreaming of, because anything less than that would be doing yourself such a disservice.

If you want that job, keep working and playing the game until it’s yours. Don’t sell yourself short, you are capable of such incredible things.

Think with me now…what is that life that would be living beyond your wildest dreams? Is it to be sober and clean? The CEO? Have a beautiful family with your dream crush? Don’t ever stop fighting for what you want.

Whoever you are, wherever you may be.

Don’t you dare cheat yourself of something that could have been infinitely amazing, because you were too scared of that small leap of faith.

Don’t you dare run and hide when it comes to making your mind up about what you want, because you were too indecisive about what you knew you wanted, versus what was right in front of you at the time.

Don’t you dare settle for anything shy of perfection, anything short of exactly what you want, and anything less than the best.

Because you owe it to yourself, you goddamn masterpiece.

Much love,

Helena.

 

5 language learning tips I wish someone had told me sooner, to be honest

 

First of all, clickbait titles can piss off. I refuse to label these as “hacks”; they will not magically make you fluent, but they may very well aid you in your journey to the linguistic mastery of a foreign tongue. These are useful, but they work best when used alongside practising vocabulary and grammar and all of the other boring things you have to do. Onwards!

  1. Change all of your electronics into your target language. I’m talking your phone, your iPad, your computer, your limited edition pink Nintendo 3DS XL (we’re getting oddly specific here, I’ll stop now.) You get the idea. 🙂
  2. Change your location on sites like youtube and google to wherever they speak whatever it is that you’re trying to learn. The results will bring about videos from your target language’s country, which means vocab will go in.
  3. Watch Netflix in your target language, with subtitles on. Depending on how confident you feel, you can get bonus points by actually watch a programme or film with subtitles in your target language. I’m possibly the last person you’d trust hearing something regarding bingeing, but bingeing on Netflix in a foreign language must be good for you. Right?
  4. Listen to foreign language radio stations- easily found with a google search.
  5. Check out italki.com. It is a website that allows you to (for a fee) talk with a native speaker for an hour, so you can really get on top of those oral skills. Might be a bit of a mouthful though. Some things might be really hard. Tough to swallow all that information. (I’ll stop with the innuendos now…)

There we have it, my top tips that I wish someone had told me a bit sooner. They do really help, and if you genuinely commit, you can really see some improvements in no time at all.

Much love,

Helena