It’s not even clickbait, which makes it even more tragic.
It’s the first sentence of my post, and its painfully true. I left treatment on the Thursday, and by Saturday I was back on the gear. I feel shame, guilt, but at the heart of it I felt total fucking relief. Am I allowed to say that? Probably not. I used heroin after leaving treatment, mixed with a beautiful blend of vodka and 7up. It was messy and I facetimed the ever suffering lovely Harry, and he was amazing. He was supportive and non judgemental, just like he always is, (and never realises) and is a trooper.
You might have noticed that my argument or point for want of a better word is slightly straying from the point. There is a reason for this; at this very moment in time I am listening to Nirvana, and I am high and a little bit drunk. Spellcheck is my new best friend.
I believe in my higher power, I believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. But right now, in my clouded judgement I can’t hear or feel my higher power. It’s like it’s asleep and I can’t get through to it. Every song goes so quickly and I’m lost in between tracks. My mood changes with each song and I feel a wave of whatever emotion the song portrays.
Reader if you’re out there, listening to my sorry voice, all that I ask is that you spare a moment in your day to think about the addicts and alcoholics still suffering in and outside of treatment- me included- and pray for me.
I feel like I have let so many people down; my counsellors, my peers in treatment and my friends and family who are all routing for me. I have a tin, some pills and my wallet ready to make a line, and a bottle of mixed vodka ready to go and I feel so ashamed.
I will get through tonight. Higher power, if you are listening give me the strength to get through tonight. I would really appreciate comments with encouragement. I can do this.
God, grant me the serenity,
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thinking of you all,