I could be kicked out. I might not be, but under the right conditions, I could be.
My mother told me today that it came up in conversation while I was away the topic of kicking out people’s children and the lengths people have to go to to get kicked out.
There was, following this revelation, no consolation that this would of course never happen to me. There was no, “oh, but don’t worry, we’d never do that.” I was denied a “no need to worry”, leaving me with, therefore, a need to worry.
What the fuck? Why do I even bother? They are having conversations like this and it could get there at one point if I fuck it up enough, it doesn’t make me feel particularly fucking secure at all.
And I’ve put a spin on it, apparently. I have twisted it, so that I am making it sound like they actively want to kick me out. No. I know they are not going to kick me out right now, they are not thinking about kicking me out, they have not been thinking about kicking me out. I am fully aware of these things.
The thing that is making me angry is how my mum doesn’t understand what I am trying to say, and thinks I am twisting it, which as I have explained earlier, I am not.
The thing that is scaring me is how it is the last thing they’d do…but it’s still on the list.