One relapse, please.

There’s so much pressure to stay clean and I hate it. My life has suddenly transformed literally overnight to listening to my mother connect dots that just aren’t there. I hear her say how its so good I’ve finally stopped, how she is so proud I am back to normal and come to my senses after all this time, how I am back to being myself.

It has been 6 days since I stopped and I know I am going to use again. I cannot deal with the world. It is so FUCKING boring. 

My day consists of eating a pint of ice cream while watching Keeping up with the Kardashians, going for a walk and listening to the same Mamma Mia soundtrack songs on repeat and going to buy a chocolate frappuccino from Starbucks, cleaning my already immaculate room and then sitting in it patiently waiting for time to pass. I also sleep to pass the time, and in the summer heat, it is alarmingly easy to drift off.

I long for that excitement in my life- the numbing of my mouth and tongue and gums and the rush of energy that’s like nothing else. The creativity that unlocks itself and the wave of euphoria that hits me like an overweight elephant running like it fucking stole something.

I cannot process how my mum thinks that after 6 days I can be ‘back to my old self’. It has been 6 days. 6 DAYS. 

Let me live!

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