I’ve accidentally lost a stone

When I was in rehab my weight was 156 pounds, which is 11.1 stone, or 70kg.

I weighed myself yesterday. I am currently hitting 142 pounds, which is 10.1 stone, or 64kg.

Where did the weight go? How can I not have noticed it slipping away? And how can I still not see that it has gone?

The scales are telling me one thing but my brain is telling me another.

I have an ongoing eating disorder and have had one since I was 8, which sounds ridiculously young but that’s just how it panned out. I cannot see myself losing weight, I don’t realise that my habits are unhealthy and I love (and I mean really love) when the number on the scales goes down.

It’s a bit weird because when I take drugs I actually am unable to physically eat anything. I become so aggressively un-hungry that I can’t bear to eat. So I have to pretend that I am eating, and I get lots of chocolate bars and snacks and throw away the food inside and keep the wrappers so it looks like I have eaten, so that when a meal time comes around, I can say I am “full”.

It’s quite fucked up, and I hate how I have to do this. I hate the lying, and the deception, and how bad the lows feel in between the highs. I hate who I become when I’m in between hits, I hate how much it hurts me, how much it hurts my darling mum, my dad, my brothers and my friends. I hate having to snort drugs to feel human for a short while, and I hate how I can’t stop no matter how hard I try.

I will get this one day though, mark my words. When I use, I used to think it freed me from my human prison. When I get clean though, then I’ll be truly free.

Plodding on,

H.

 

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