I went to see my lovely boyfriend, and as a rabbit with a habit I was in the fortunate position in which I have a green light to use when I need. It’s not quite as great as when I use normally, because this time around it’s only permitted when I think I am about to pass out, but I still get to feel less shit for a short while which is nice, I suppose.
So, I had gotten to the point where I thought I was going to have a psychotic episode in the car because I was withdrawing so hard. So I had to get out my little box of drug paraphernalia, and do lines in a moving car while my boyfriend was driving.
He’s a total hero, by the way.
Sometimes I worry that it isn’t going to last because I need a friend, not a boyfriend. I broke up with him a couple of weeks ago for this very reason, and I stand by what I said when I broke up with him. I do still need a friend, and I am the one who has effectively had to compromise by getting back together with him because he could not be a friend to me all the while we were not together. I, of course, do not mind the compromise, because I love him dearly. But I do worry that it won’t last because I need to stay clean one day, and I still worry that I might need a friend most of all in the world.
It’s all mighty complicated, and he’s perfect for me right now in so many ways. I have a wonderful Christmas present lined up for him- he already knows what it is. Since January, I have been filling out this notebook every now and again, and by Christmas it will be full of our adventures. I can’t wait to give it to him.
But, the best present I can give to him is clean time. He was perhaps a little controlling asking me to let him know when I pick up, and how much I collect, when I use and how much I take every time- but I told him that it was weird. He got really offended, worried and upset but I stood my ground because it’s my battle to fight. I don’t want him to save me, I want him to stand by my side as I save myself.
All things being said, I don’t want it to sound like I’ve bitched about him. He is a hero and lets me get away with absolute murder. The only thing I would change about him is for him to love himself more. He goes on and on and ON about how he’s not beautiful, and how ugly he is with jokes and put-downs to himself, and always has the last word in disagreeing with me….not only is it mildly annoying, it is heartbreaking because he is so beautiful. It is infinitely sad that he can’t see it. Perhaps a part of it is when he goes on about it, I shower him with compliments which must feel good for someone who has low self-esteem. Unfortunately, he has grown up in a world where everyone is supposed to look a certain, and because he isn’t conventionally beautiful, all he sees is him not fitting into the imaginary mould of synthetic perfection.
So to conclude:
- I took a lot of drugs before writing this article.
- My boyfriend lets me get away with too much.
- This boyfriend is loved, and if he happens to ever stumble across this article, know that you are loved, and I’m not ever really that annoyed at you.