I used drugs 36 hours after leaving rehab

It’s not even clickbait, which makes it even more tragic.

It’s the first sentence of my post, and its painfully true. I left treatment on the Thursday, and by Saturday I was back on the gear. I feel shame, guilt, but at the heart of it I felt total fucking relief. Am I allowed to say that? Probably not. I used drugs after leaving treatment, mixed with a beautiful blend of vodka and 7up. It was messy and I facetimed the ever suffering lovely Harry, and he was amazing. He was supportive and non judgemental, just like he always is, (and never realises) and is a trooper.

You might have noticed that my argument or point for want of a better word is slightly straying from the point. There is a reason for this; at this very moment in time I am listening to Nirvana, and I am high and a little bit drunk. Spellcheck is my new best friend.

I believe in my higher power, I believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. But right now, in my clouded judgement I can’t hear or feel my higher power. It’s like it’s asleep and I can’t get through to it. Every song goes so quickly and I’m lost in between tracks. My mood changes with each song and I feel a wave of whatever emotion the song portrays.

Reader if you’re out there, listening to my sorry voice, all that I ask is that you spare a moment in your day to think about the addicts and alcoholics still suffering in and outside of treatment- me included- and pray for me.

I feel like I have let so many people down; my counsellors, my peers in treatment and my friends and family who are all routing for me. I have a tin, some pills and my wallet ready to make a line, and a bottle of mixed vodka ready to go and I feel so ashamed.

I will get through tonight. Higher power, if you are listening give me the strength to get through tonight. I would really appreciate comments with encouragement. I can do this.

God, grant me the serenity,
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Thinking of you all,


One thought on “I used drugs 36 hours after leaving rehab

  1. My story is one of addictive behaviour and destructive thought patterns. Alcohol, OCD, Depression. Of course I will pray for you and I’m following your blog now to read your story. Don’t be ashamed for you are not alone. We are many 🙏🏻❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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