On the third day of Christmeth my dealer gave to me…

Some absolute rubbsish which has legitimately made me question whether I should continue to spend what little money I have on this stuff.

I knew I would get to this point eventually, and some days I wonder “is it worth it” more than others. But the main thing is, I do wonder “is it worth it”, meaning that my mentality is changing.

It’s really tough battling against yourself, because when you make your mind up about something it suddenly feels really really easy, like it was never actually an issue to you. That is until you start having doubts on your decision and the bad thoughts start to kick in, trying to tempt you and drag you back down.

It’s the moments when you don’t get the right hit, or you take too much and put yourself in danger….moments like those which force you to take a step back for a second and just think to yourself “what the hell am I doing to myself?”.

You are either dying, or in recovery. And sometimes I know this, and other times I forget. But right now I am very aware of it and its scaring me a little bit. I’m fed up of constantly swinging between my two states of existence: a user who mopes about for days on a binge- and then the functioning addict who lives in a state of denial and ignorance about the state of her condition.

Everything is perfectly fine, until suddenly its not anymore. Gives you some food for thought.

Follow for more.

Much love,

Helena

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